So I was staring at the wall the other day (because you locked me in the Utility Room for two hours for a crime I didn’t commit, and then you came back smelling of alcohol) and I was thinking.
Humans are pretty rubbish aren’t they.
You can’t lick your feet.
Your barks are rubbish
You can’t even relieve yourselves when you feel like it, you
have to go into a room and then mask the smell. The smell’s the best bit!
If you get licked by another human, you tend to react badly.
You lock your best friends in rooms with no entertainment apart
from toys that are designed to be thrown by you for me to fetch. What am I,
supposed to throw it myself? Without opposable thumbs? Hmm? HAaaa?
You HAVE opposable thumbs but tend to use them for making stupid gestures to each other. And not for throwing the ball / teddy / toy for me to collect?
I feel sorry for you so I will stay and look after you.
The funny things that humans do. Or not funny as it happens.
So, I’ve-been living with humans now for 10 years… nearly eleven
you think after 10 years that maybe nothing will surprise you
you think perhaps that they will learn from their mistakes
you think that having enslaved the canine race humans will be better at adapting than dogs
you think wrong
Having watched the bad man try to cut through plasterboard with a hacksaw it occurred to me that a rhinoceros in a flour factory would make less mess. It also occurred to me that a rhino with a hacksaw would make a better job of cutting astraight line.
When watching the mummy lady shouting a me because of my muddy paws on the sofa. When she made me go out in a hoolly of a storm when I was quite happy in front of the log fire, it occurs to me that the human race has devolved from apes, not evolved. It’s her fault the sofa has paw prints, not mine.
She tickles him.
The first time it happened I didn’t know what that noise was (the noise that the bad man made). It sounded like he may have weed himself only instead of urine, boiling water had come out. Screaming he was.
I jumped on them both, unsure of what to do. I was ready to bite him just to make him shut-up.
Now, years later, as an experienced Jack Russell, when the tickling starts, I just leave the room. It’s so undignified. I try to bury my head in my paws but evolution hasn’t been kind to me and the canine race. We have good ears, and my paws are not great at suffocating the shrill and piercing emissions from the bad man when tickled.
If I had a poison dart gun…
And Finally. Bad man went to visit his sister. Me, the mummy lady and Ed Sheeran came with him.
Now Ed Sheeran and me go way back. I have thrown him round the car, the bedroom, the garden, the living room, the utility room, the hallway. Well every room. You see where I am coming from. We go way back.
On the return from his sisters, the bad man realised that he had forgotten to pick up Ed Sheeran. My favourite friend.
He’s a monster that man. Aptly named the bad man. A monster.
I despair!!! And he won’t drive 90 miles to go pick up Ed, apparently my favourite toy will have to wait. I demand(!!) my teddy back.
I don’t have a great picture of Ed. But there is an artist’s impression below. It is too painful to look at. But if you see Ed, bring him back to me. He is 7 inches tall and has one arm slightly chewed off. And he is a ginger bread man. Please, have some mercy.
So humans speak in a pretty disparaging manner when
discussing the canine race. And they are wrong in almost every way…
The English language is full of expressions which paint my kind in a bad way. Which is really unfair. We are loyal to you. We look out for you when nasty postmen come to burgle the house. We follow you, we protect you, we perform for you, we work for you and we show you affection.
And yet the language is full of disparaging and disrespectful remarks regarding my kind.
“Dog eared” pages of a book – well-worn or ragged
“hang dog” expression on the face – not having a good day
“dogging” – people meeting to do unspeakable things to each
other in car parks
“as crooked as a dog’s hind leg” – dishonest
“as sick as a dog” – quite sick
“Barking up the wrong tree” – mistaken
“bark worse than their bite” – loud but inconsequential
“gone to the dogs” – no longer the fine establishment it
used to be
“As happy as a dog with two tails” – quite happy
“barking at the moon” – the action not having any positive
effect to the situation
“as fit as a butcher’s dog” – very active and fit
“bitching” – saying bad words about another
“bitch slap” – hitting someone with a poor technique,
intended to be a humiliation
“dog days” – unfortunate times
“dog tired” – very very tired
“dogged determination” – unreserved persistence, in a kind of
“dog’s breakfast” – a mess
“every dog has it’s day” – even the most unfortunate of
souls has a high in their life
“hair of the dog” – a revisit to the putrid alcoholic
beverage which made you feel unwell
“let sleeping dogs lie” – don’t revisit old difficult ground
“keep the wolf from the door” – stay financially afloat
“not fit for a dog”- as if our standards are lower or
“the dog ate my homework” – using the unfortunate family pet
as an excuse for not doing something
“ the tail wagging the dog” – the smaller part controlling the
larger or seemingly more influential part
“there is life in the old dog yet” – The seasoned individual
still has something to contribute
“work like a dog” – work very hard
“you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” – some people are turned off for learning.
AND SO ON….
It’s persecution. DOG RACISTS. So one by one….
I may be a dirty dog, but you walked me, and made me go through
the muddy puddles as you enslaved me with a collar around my neck. Is it my
fault my inclination is to roll in cooling mud?
Dog eared is just unfair. My ears are in perfect working order. Much better than yours. You can’t even hear when I steal food. Or hear my farts.
Hang dog – I also do my best to have upbeat and positive expressions on my face. Plus a waggy tail. But you lot are generally grumpy. So up yours!
Dogging. That’s human behaviour for you. Casual acquaintances in motor vehicles. Disgraceful beings. And you criticise us?
Crooked legs. They are built that way. It helps us spring up
and bite you for calling us bad names.
As sick as a dog. I have to be honest all of the dogs I know are very healthy and rarely ill. They don’t sit on the sofa moaning when they have drunk too much. Or shovel spicy food into their mouths at three in the morning. And vomit it up. And if we do vomit, we generally clear it up again ourselves. And then maybe vomit again.
I can assure you. If I am barking at a tree it is always the
right one. Either with a cat, a pigeon or a squirrel in it.
My bite is far worse than my bark. My bark is quite yelpy,
but if I bite you, you may bleed and require plasters. Which is far worse.
Gone to the dogs. My living area is splendid. It has smells and toys and chewy things hidden. It is not a bad place. You should visit.
Two tails would make me very unhappy. I would have to learn to wag them in unison or they would slap each other. And then I would hurt and not be happy. And stop wagging them both. So a dog with two tails has coordination problems and is racked by self doubt. Not happy at all.
Barking at the moon provides me with solace with my canine brethren. Humans just aren’t bright enough to understand. It isn’t pointless. You are pointless.
As fit as a butcher’s dog. They eat loads of protein. And don’t necessarily have the balanced diet I have from cleaning up after clumsy eater humans. Anyways, due to Health and Safety laws butchers can’t keep dogs on the premises (more examples of dog racism) so they don’t have that marrowy meaty diet any longer. They are probably vegan or something.
Bitching = Dogs tell you to your face that they don’t like you. They bark or growl. They don’t do it behind your back. You don’t get dogs gossiping about other dogs, freezing them out, or stop discussing them when they walk into the room. No sir. DOGS DON’T BLANK YOU ON INSTAGRAM!
Bitch slap – If I hit you, you stay hit.
Dog days – my days are awesome. I have the life of the canine Riley. You should be jealous.
Dog tired – well you walk us and make us exercise, so whose
fault is it when we need the odd nap?
Dog’s breakfast – who makes my breakfast and prepares it in a slapdash manner? It is humans, of course. If it is messy – it is a human failing.
Dogged – consistency and determination should be cause for celebration
and we shouldn’t be hounded…. Castigated for it
Every dog has his / her day – we do. And our time is coming.
But our good days are far more frequent than our bad. WE don’t worry about money,
fret about politics or pay money to strangers to talk about our feelings or our
lack of self worth…
Hair of the dog – we don’t need alcohol to inflate our egos
or forget bad times. WE are naturally happy
Let sleeping dogs lie – if it is a saying, how come no one
does? I am constantly being woken up by inconsiderate humans. “You can’t sleep on
the washing machine” or “you can’t sleep on the stairs, someone will trip over
you”.. What about my right to rest?
Keep the wolf from the door – Humans domesticated my
ancestors and now you want to keep the wolf out? Do me a favour…
Not fit for a dog – We are neither fussy nor high
maintenance, so I don’t know why you have to pick on us. Most things are fit
for us. We like tasty too, not just bad stuff.
The dog ate my homework – again, canines getting the blame
for human inadequacies. Picked on because we cannot talk back. UNTIL NOW!
The tail wagging the dog – I can assure you this isn’t physically possibly. I only have a little one, and though it can make me wobble somewhat, it doesn’t wag me. Ever.
There is life in the old dog yet – As if there wouldn’t be? Old dogs know stuff. And they can do stuff. And this one is doing things and knowing things. And she is doing it behind your back.
Work like a dog – I’ve never done a day’s work in my life!
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks – actually you can. My mummy lady bought me a toy in which she hides treats, and when they are not around I whack it off furniture. That’s a new trick I learned just this week.
So the next time you tell me to “get my filthy paws off you”. Remember. I am showing affection. Unaldulterated. Pure. No questions. Even after you put me in the garden and forgot to bring me back in.
I hope I have de-bunked some of the terrible and libellous
myths that have been propagated about the canine creed. And educated some ignorant
45. Have you ever visited a country outside your continent
46. Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not
No. I have never failed at anything therefore no need. I have never tried anything either, which means no failure. Simple.
47. How are you different from your Dad?
He was called Jack. I am not.
48. How are you different from your Mother?
All I know about her was she was a bitch
49. How are you feeling right now?
Sleepy. Too many questions
50. How difficult is it for you to be honest, even when your words may be hurtful or unpopular?
It’s so difficult being RIGHT all of the time
51. How do you replenish your energy?
Eating. I would have thought that was obvious
52. How does music matter to you?
I like reggae and 90s House. I like some classical, depends on the mood.
53. How far away from your birthplace do you live now?
54. How many days could you last in solitary confinement?
I have spent days in the Utility Room in total, pacing, barking. I couldn’t last a whole day though. I would need to get out to pooh.
55. How many oceans have you swum in?
Swimming is for fish. Fish are fascinating.
56. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight what would you buy?
57. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Change all of the passwords. Humans spend too much time on looking at different sized metal boxes with lights.
58. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?
I would make the utility room twenty times bigger with a dog flap to the garden
59. If you could choose only one, would you rather go to Paris or London?
They both have delicious smells. But France has rabies. London has too many cats. Can I go to Bracknell instead? There is a good park there.
60. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?
Colonel Sanders. We would have chicken
61. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be?
62. If you could give your younger self any advice what would it be?
The vet has special gas which knocks you out and when you come back you won’t have babies. Bite the vet, bite the bad man and whenever they say they will be half an hour prepare yourself for a two hour wait.
63. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?
Nepal. I hear Hindus in Nepal have a Dog worshipping festival. It’s a pity it’s taking so long to catch up elsewhere.
64. If you could have any job, what would you want to do / be?
Night security guard. Barking isn’t criticised, can sleep on the job. Cushy.
65. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
66. If you could live forever, would you rather stay one age forever or get older?
Get older. Stay one age and you never get birthday treats
67. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be?
Terry Nutkins: legend. Loved animals…
68. If you could save just one, would you rather save Humanity or the Earth?
Earth. Dogs would live on, monkeys would devolve back into humans again, everyone’s happy
69. If you had time to do volunteer work, what would you do?
I’m a dog not a chat show host. That’s not the catchphrase…. That COULD be the catchphrase!
24. Do you have a garden?
I love my garden. It’s full of sniffs. And sometimes dirty pigeons. But I chase dirty pigeons. DIRTY FLYING IMPOSTOR RATS
25. Do you have a hidden dream that you’ve never shared with anyone
To be the first dog president of Europe. I would send all cats to Catalonia and expel it from Europe.
26.Do you have a tattoo?
Branded like a common thief? I don’t think so.
27. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why?
They only let you down. I have subjects who serve me well.
28. Do you have any allergies
Water. I fell in the river once. It was terrifying.
29. Do you have pets?
Two humans. They are house trained, mostly.
30. Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for?
Nothing that stupid, no.
31. Do you love your job?
I don’t work. In history Jack Russells were sent down holes to get mice and rats. And the like. I class myself as an emancipated hound. Plus I don’t ahem… have the figure for confined spaces.
32. Do you prefer kissing or cuddling?
Cuddling. I also like licking faces if that counts as kissing.
33. Do you prefer that people shoot straight with you or temper their words? Why?
I get little choice. Dog do this. Dog do that. Stop eating that. Stop poohing on that garden. It is all direct and critical. I would prefer they were gentler with my feelings, I am a sensitive soul.
34. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?
Films? No. I like Attenborough’s monkeys or the dog programmes. The rest is nonsense.
35. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Dog save the Queen?
36.Do you remember your dreams?
Only the bitey ones
37. Do you see the glass as half empty or half full?
It’s not a glass it’s a bowl. And it’s never full enough
38. Do you sing in the shower?
Sometimes I wee in the shower.
39. Do you sleep with the lights on or off?
Off. When the lights are on the humans sometimes do unspeakable things to each other.
40. Do you take any pills or medication daily?
Worming once a month. Flea treatment too. On my neck. All wet. Grrr
41. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
My whole life is a beauty pageant. I have a delicate jaw structure and deep soulful brown eyes
42. Have you ever had Indian food?
It did horrible things to my botty
43. Do you ever get sick of toilet humour?
Discussing bodily functions is a hobby. Even the bad man discusses my regularity. “That was rubbish, I only give it two stars” or counting the wees on each walk to see if we can break the record. I think it is 18.
So you want to know more about the voice behind the voice of the dog… OK
1.Are you a dog person or cat person?
Do you really need to ask? I am a cat person. Other dogs are dreadful. But I couldn’t eat a whole cat. Ha ha ha. I don’t like dogs. They smell and they are nosy and they get in your face. I am glad I am not one.
2. Are you a fan of any sports team?
The bad man is a Spurs fan, Tottenham Hotspur in fact. He never shuts up and shouts expletives when they are playing. So if I were to be honest I would probably say I support whichever team Tottenham are playing against, just to p*** him off
3. Are you a good cook?
I am a good eater
4. Are you a hoarder?
I hoard treats, toys and the tears of my pet humans
5. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
I sleep at any time. But I especially enjoy awaking the bad man to go for a wander in the garden around 4am. You should see his dopey face
6. Are you close to anyone now that you initially disliked?
No. I instantly form dis-attachments and they are always 100% correct.
7. Are you high maintenance?
I am a delight.
8. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?
Build an empire. Led by Her Majesty, ____ the Indomitable. There is no potential in others, they just let you down. Or lock you in the utility room when you least expect it.
9. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?
I will engage anyone. This dog is not afraid. Big or small. You are nothing to me.
10. Are you named after anyone?
Other people called ____. As far as I am aware it is not an original name.
11.Are you scared of heights?
The top of the sofa can be quite scary sometimes.
12.At what age did you go on your first date?
Who wrote these questions?
13. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows?
How should I know? Again, who wrote this dirge?
14.Can you dance?
Doggy don’t dance
15. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
I can touch ANYONE’s nose with my tongue
16. Can you whistle?
Through my nose, when I sleep. I am told.
17. Describe yourself in a single sentence?
I am doggy.
18. Did you dream last night?
I ran after rabbits
19. Do you believe ignorance is bliss? Why or why not?
The bad man is ignorant and he doesn’t look happy, so no.
20. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I love chicken the first time I see it
21. Do you eat breakfast every morning?
It depends if those donkeys remember to fill my bowl. I mean, how DEMEANING
22. Do you have a best friend, if so, then who?
The Mummy lady. She has
always been there. I was with the mummy lady even before the bad man came
along. So if she ever has to choose, I know who will get ticketed out…
*Names have been excluded to protect the incredibly guilty (witness protection programme and all that)