Q and A part drei

44. Have you ever urinated in a pool?

I’ve done that most places to be fair

45. Have you ever visited a country outside your continent


46. Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not

No. I have never failed at anything therefore no need. I have never tried anything either, which means no failure. Simple.

47. How are you different from your Dad?

He was called Jack. I am not.

48. How are you different from your Mother?

All I know about her was she was a bitch

49. How are you feeling right now?

Sleepy. Too many questions

50. How difficult is it for you to be honest, even when your words may be hurtful or unpopular?

It’s so difficult being RIGHT all of the time

51. How do you replenish your energy?

Eating. I would have thought that was obvious

52. How does music matter to you?

I like reggae and 90s House. I like some classical, depends on the mood.

53. How far away from your birthplace do you live now?

200 miles.

54. How many days could you last in solitary confinement?

I have spent days in the Utility Room in total, pacing, barking. I couldn’t last a whole day though. I would need to get out to pooh.

55. How many oceans have you swum in?

Swimming is for fish. Fish are fascinating.

fish swim one way, then the other… much better than TV

56. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight what would you buy?


57. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

Change all of the passwords. Humans spend too much time on looking at different sized metal boxes with lights.

58. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?

I would make the utility room twenty times bigger with a dog flap to the garden

59. If you could choose only one, would you rather go to Paris or London?

They both have delicious smells. But France has rabies. London has too many cats. Can I go to Bracknell instead? There is a good park there.

60. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?

Colonel Sanders. We would have chicken

61. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be?


62. If you could give your younger self any advice what would it be?

The vet has special gas which knocks you out and when you come back you won’t have babies. Bite the vet, bite the bad man and whenever they say they will be half an hour prepare yourself for a two hour wait.

63. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?

Nepal. I hear Hindus in Nepal have a Dog worshipping festival. It’s a pity it’s taking so long to catch up elsewhere.

64. If you could have any job, what would you want to do / be?

Night security guard. Barking isn’t criticised, can sleep on the job. Cushy.

65. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

Living room

66. If you could live forever, would you rather stay one age forever or get older?

Get older. Stay one age and you never get birthday treats

67. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be?

Terry Nutkins: legend. Loved animals…

68. If you could save just one, would you rather save Humanity or the Earth?

Earth. Dogs would live on, monkeys would devolve back into humans again, everyone’s happy

69. If you had time to do volunteer work, what would you do?

Sleeping trial experiments


Q and A PART deux

23. Do you have a catchphrase?

I’m a dog not a chat show host. That’s not the catchphrase…. That COULD be the catchphrase!

24. Do you have a garden?

I love my garden. It’s full of sniffs. And sometimes dirty pigeons. But I chase dirty pigeons. DIRTY FLYING IMPOSTOR RATS

25. Do you have a hidden dream that you’ve never shared with anyone

To be the first dog president of Europe. I would send all cats to Catalonia and expel it from Europe.

26.Do you have a tattoo?

Branded like a common thief? I don’t think so.

27. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why?

They only let you down. I have subjects who serve me well.

28. Do you have any allergies

Water. I fell in the river once. It was terrifying.

29. Do you have pets?

Two humans. They are house trained, mostly.

30. Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for?

Nothing that stupid, no.

31. Do you love your job?

I don’t work. In history Jack Russells were sent down holes to get mice and rats. And the like. I class myself as an emancipated hound. Plus I don’t ahem… have the figure for confined spaces.

32. Do you prefer kissing or cuddling?

Cuddling. I also like licking faces if that counts as kissing.

33. Do you prefer that people shoot straight with you or temper their words? Why?

I get little choice. Dog do this. Dog do that. Stop eating that. Stop poohing on that garden. It is all direct and critical. I would prefer they were gentler with my feelings, I am a sensitive soul.

34. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

Films? No. I like Attenborough’s monkeys or the dog programmes. The rest is nonsense.

35. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?

Dog save the Queen?

36.Do you remember your dreams?

Only the bitey ones

37. Do you see the glass as half empty or half full?

It’s not a glass it’s a bowl. And it’s never full enough

38. Do you sing in the shower?

Sometimes I wee in the shower.

39. Do you sleep with the lights on or off?

Off. When the lights are on the humans sometimes do unspeakable things to each other.

40. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

Worming once a month. Flea treatment too. On my neck. All wet. Grrr

41. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?

My whole life is a beauty pageant. I have a delicate jaw structure and deep soulful brown eyes

42. Have you ever had Indian food?

It did horrible things to my botty

43. Do you ever get sick of toilet humour?

Discussing bodily functions is a hobby. Even the bad man discusses my regularity. “That was rubbish, I only give it two stars” or counting the wees on each walk to see if we can break the record. I think it is 18.

Q and A

Part 1

So you want to know more about the voice behind the voice of the dog… OK

1.Are you a dog person or cat person?

Do you really need to ask? I am a cat person. Other dogs are dreadful. But I couldn’t eat a whole cat. Ha ha ha. I don’t like dogs. They smell and they are nosy and they get in your face. I am glad I am not one.

2. Are you a fan of any sports team?

The bad man is a Spurs fan, Tottenham Hotspur in fact. He never shuts up and shouts expletives when they are playing. So if I were to be honest I would probably say I support whichever team Tottenham are playing against, just to p*** him off

3. Are you a good cook?

I am a good eater

4. Are you a hoarder?

I hoard treats, toys and the tears of my pet humans

5. Are you a morning person or a night owl?

I sleep at any time. But I especially enjoy awaking the bad man to go for a wander in the garden around 4am. You should see his dopey face

6. Are you close to anyone now that you initially disliked?

No. I instantly form dis-attachments and they are always 100% correct.

7. Are you high maintenance?

I am a delight.

8. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?

Build an empire. Led by Her Majesty, ____ the Indomitable. There is no potential in others, they just let you down. Or lock you in the utility room when you least expect it.

9. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?

I will engage anyone. This dog is not afraid. Big or small. You are nothing to me.

10. Are you named after anyone?

Other people called ____. As far as I am aware it is not an original name.

11.Are you scared of heights?

The top of the sofa can be quite scary sometimes.

12.At what age did you go on your first date?

Who wrote these questions?

13. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows?

How should I know? Again, who wrote this dirge?

14.Can you dance?

Doggy don’t dance

15. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

I can touch ANYONE’s nose with my tongue

16. Can you whistle?

Through my nose, when I sleep. I am told.

17. Describe yourself in a single sentence?

I am doggy.

18. Did you dream last night?

I ran after rabbits

19. Do you believe ignorance is bliss? Why or why not?

The bad man is ignorant and he doesn’t look happy, so no.

20. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I love chicken the first time I see it

21. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

It depends if those donkeys remember to fill my bowl. I mean, how DEMEANING

22. Do you have a best friend, if so, then who?

The Mummy lady. She has always been there. I was with the mummy lady even before the bad man came along. So if she ever has to choose, I know who will get ticketed out…


*Names have been excluded to protect the incredibly guilty (witness protection programme and all that)

the rules according to the bad man

So I am subject to some infringements on my liberty. Fairness is not always in evidence when it comes to this doggy.

These rules are the wrong way around (I shouldn’t be on that sofa)

I have some issues

The bad man and the mummy lady have a Massive bed and I am not allowed on it. Massive. Big enough for two or three more humans. BUT NOT ONE SMALL JACK RUSSELL.

Not allowed in the bedroom on my own since I rubbed my bum on the bad man’s pillow. HE DESERVED IT. And what’s more he didn’t notice for a couple of nights.

Not allowed to lick rock salt put down when the snow comes. EVEN THOUGH IT’s TASTY

Not allowed to jump up on strangers in the park and lick their hands. EVEN WHEN THEY PUT THEIR HANDS IN THE WAY

Not allowed to growl at impertinent dogs who don’t know their place. JUMPY SWINE

Not allowed to have puppies, (cut off in my prime) I SHOULD TAKE THEM TO COURT OVER THAT ONE

Some fecker docked my tail before the mommy lady and the bad man got me. I ONLY HAVE A SMALL WAG. OK. So that’s not a rule. But if we are airing some grievances…

When I am in the car now I am LOCKED in the back of the car. With a metal grill. LIKE THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO or that fella, Terry Waite. Something to do with legislation about people getting fined for not having their dogs under control in the car when driving. What about my canine rights? The right to see what is happening. The right to stick my head out of the window and sniff the beautiful smoggy air. The right to eat anything that is dropped whilst those two are talking? HMMM HMMM? What about those rights?

Where’s the protest group campaigning for ME?????????????

So following on from Dry January, now they’re trying to get fit!

Spandex should be banned. End of.

In the immortal words of Homer… Simpson, “Stupid sexy Flanders”.

Some things once seen cannot easily be unseen, and the sight of my two fortysomethings squeezing into running gear isn’t pleasant.


We are appealing for help. We just want people to wear clothes when exercising which isn’t skin tight enough to reveal their digestive tract. It isn’t too much to ask?

Every Saturday they now do Parkrunning, which entails lots of humans taking off lots of layers and gasping and grunting around a park. Twice. Ridiculous as it sounds they seem to get some sort of buzz from it. But I am not allowed to go. No. The organisers are dog racists.

Not that I would want to go. Whenever they run and I am with them (the bad man and the mummy lady) and I get a sniff they shout and scream at me. I am not trying to trip them up, I have a job to do. Sniffing scents is not an easy job. I take it very seriously and thier grunty running must come second to sniffy detective work.

The bad man calls me Vera. Something to do with changing direction. Ha ha. People are weird. My name is not Vera.

So I don’t get to go. I get locked in the Utility Room (which smells of sweaty pants) and they play really bad reggae or house music to “help me relax”. What’s wrong with leaving me in peace for some quiet contemplation sleep? It’s impacting on my rights as a canine. It’s like the CIA and those acid fuelled mind experiments in the 60s. And they don’t have the decency to give me the acid.

At least it’s warm.

I don’t want to run. I am nearly 11 you know. I should be enjoying my well earned retirement, not having to put up with human fads and mid-life crises.

I would post pictures of the humans in spandex but it’s just too darn painful. The sight police would probably intervene to protect lives.

Postie postie big red fake

I am Anti-postman I admit it. But think about it. Why shouldn’t I be? Why are they so special, with their electrical signy thing and their stupid caps. And their crap loud trolleys.

What’s in the sack? Limitless evil probably…

They walk up your drive every day as if they own the place

Could be sticking anything through the door. It could be a snake. Or a cat! Or a horrible fungus that makes you retch if you lick it. By barking I am drawing attention to a massive red intruder on the premises. With possible weapons.

Shorts in February? Have a word.

All of the burglaries happen when he / she is around. Think about it.

They know everything about you, probably read your mail. Probably laugh at your spelling

Act all nice so they can get a tip at Christmas.

When in a safe zone (ie not my territory) they act as if they like dogs and offer you a biscuit. I see through you ya great big red fake. But I will have that biscuit. But I see through you!

Who brings their cat to work with them? I tell you who, people who hate dogs…

Postman Pat had a cat. Enough said.

They wear red! I mean come on. Even Billy Ocean knows red spells danger.

They taste a bit… off. Don’t ask me how I know.

Every day I see them off but they are the most persistent buggers ever. They come back to rub my nose in it day in day out

They never deliver anything tasty

They are not the bad man or the mommy lady. Or the big man who smells of chips. Mmm chips. *

Is there anything finer to sniff with a nose seven times more than hoomans, than roast flamin’ chicken. I am off now, I can smell chicken…

*this dog’s owner would like to point out that the dog has nothing against the postal service in principle and the dog means no real harm. Legal Disclaimer etc. She’s just grumpy.

So: dry January? It makes my humans so miserable

Thank Goofy that’s over. Hallelujah for February. First and foremost, as a canine I don’t drink. I don’t want any of you ringing the RSPCA, or Pets in Crisis or something.

It’s only pineapple juice darling

But my pet people, they get so damn down in January. Misery is not the word. One of them, the bad man, he mutters on and on about seasonal affected disorder, and his invoices getting paid, and spending too much at Christmas. The mummy woman keeps leaving the room, muttering something I can’t quite hear.

So what do they decide? We have had a heavy December, let’s cut out all of the lovely poison in January. THAT will make us feel better. Well I can tell you, it may make YOU feel better, but as the recipient of many “bloody dog!” and “get out of the bloody way” comments in January, it certainly hasn’t made ME feel better. I haven’t been able to relax. Bloody humans. Keep taking the medicine that makes you hug, and urinate in public, and sing terrible songs with the wrong words, and fall asleep on the sofa. So I can lick your face awake. Mmmm, human face! Tastes almost as good as what I was licking ten seconds earlier.

So I don’t deprive myself of the things that make me happy. Sometimes they are denied to me, but my big brown eyes normally get me through. Embrace your wicked. Do not deny it. Do you think this waggy tail comes from imbibing pina colada till four in the morning? Certainly not. But for the sake of the furry ones who have to put up with your wicked behaviour. Carry on drinking and stop wining whining winning.moaning.

It’s enough to drive a dog to drink.