You can teach an old dog

VOTD Blog Star date 27th February, 2019

 “get down you dirty dog”

So humans speak in a pretty disparaging manner when discussing the canine race. And they are wrong in almost every way…

Wise Buddha Jack Russell. You’ll observe respectful notions towards me. Bring me a snack!

The English language is full of expressions which paint my kind in a bad way. Which is really unfair. We are loyal to you. We look out for you when nasty postmen come to burgle the house. We follow you, we protect you, we perform for you, we work for you and we show you affection.

And yet the language is full of disparaging and disrespectful remarks regarding my kind.

“Dog eared” pages of a book – well-worn or ragged

“hang dog” expression on the face – not having a good day

“dogging” – people meeting to do unspeakable things to each other in car parks

Hmmm a nice spot ruined by doggers

“as crooked as a dog’s hind leg” – dishonest

“as sick as a dog” – quite sick

“Barking up the wrong tree” – mistaken

“bark worse than their bite” – loud but inconsequential

“gone to the dogs” – no longer the fine establishment it used to be

“As happy as a dog with two tails” – quite happy

“barking at the moon” – the action not having any positive effect to the situation

“as fit as a butcher’s dog” – very active and fit

“bitching” – saying bad words about another

“bitch slap” – hitting someone with a poor technique, intended to be a humiliation

“dog days” – unfortunate times

“dog tired” – very very tired

“dogged determination” – unreserved persistence, in a kind of annoying way

“dog’s breakfast” – a mess

“every dog has it’s day” – even the most unfortunate of souls has a high in their life

“hair of the dog” – a revisit to the putrid alcoholic beverage which made you feel unwell

“let sleeping dogs lie” – don’t revisit old difficult ground

“keep the wolf from the door” – stay financially afloat

“not fit for a dog”- as if our standards are lower or something

“the dog ate my homework” – using the unfortunate family pet as an excuse for not doing something

“ the tail wagging the dog” – the smaller part controlling the larger or seemingly more influential part

“there is life in the old dog yet” – The seasoned individual still has something to contribute

“work like a dog” – work very hard

“you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” – some people are turned off for learning.


It’s persecution. DOG RACISTS. So one by one….

I may be a dirty dog, but you walked me, and made me go through the muddy puddles as you enslaved me with a collar around my neck. Is it my fault my inclination is to roll in cooling mud?

Dog eared is just unfair. My ears are in perfect working order. Much better than yours. You can’t even hear when I steal food. Or hear my farts.

Hang dog – I also do my best to have upbeat and positive expressions on my face. Plus a waggy tail. But you lot are generally grumpy. So up yours!

Dogging. That’s human behaviour for you. Casual acquaintances in motor vehicles. Disgraceful beings. And you criticise us?

Crooked legs. They are built that way. It helps us spring up and bite you for calling us bad names.

As sick as a dog. I have to be honest all of the dogs I know are very healthy and rarely ill. They don’t sit on the sofa moaning when they have drunk too much. Or shovel spicy food into their mouths at three in the morning. And vomit it up. And if we do vomit, we generally clear it up again ourselves. And then maybe vomit again.

I can assure you. If I am barking at a tree it is always the right one. Either with a cat, a pigeon or a squirrel in it.

My bite is far worse than my bark. My bark is quite yelpy, but if I bite you, you may bleed and require plasters. Which is far worse.

Gone to the dogs. My living area is splendid. It has smells and toys and chewy things hidden. It is not a bad place. You should visit.

Two tails would make me very unhappy. I would have to learn to wag them in unison or they would slap each other. And then I would hurt and not be happy. And stop wagging them both. So a dog with two tails has coordination problems and is racked by self doubt. Not happy at all.

Barking at the  moon provides me with solace with my canine brethren. Humans just aren’t bright enough to understand. It isn’t pointless. You are pointless.

As fit as a butcher’s dog. They eat loads of protein. And don’t necessarily have the balanced diet I have from cleaning up after clumsy eater humans. Anyways, due to Health and Safety laws butchers can’t keep dogs on the premises (more examples of dog racism) so they don’t have that marrowy meaty diet any longer. They are probably vegan or something.

Bitching = Dogs tell you to your face that they don’t like you. They bark or growl. They don’t do it behind your back. You don’t get dogs gossiping about other dogs, freezing them out, or stop discussing them when they walk into the room. No sir. DOGS DON’T BLANK YOU ON INSTAGRAM!

Bitch slap – If I hit you, you stay hit.

Dog days – my days are awesome. I have the life of the canine Riley. You should be jealous.

Dog tired – well you walk us and make us exercise, so whose fault is it when we need the odd nap?

Dog’s breakfast – who makes my breakfast and prepares it in a slapdash manner? It is humans, of course. If it is messy – it is a human failing.

Dogged – consistency and determination should be cause for celebration and we shouldn’t be hounded…. Castigated for it

Every dog has his / her day – we do. And our time is coming. But our good days are far more frequent than our bad. WE don’t worry about money, fret about politics or pay money to strangers to talk about our feelings or our lack of self worth…

Hair of the dog – we don’t need alcohol to inflate our egos or forget bad times. WE are naturally happy

Let sleeping dogs lie – if it is a saying, how come no one does? I am constantly being woken up by inconsiderate humans. “You can’t sleep on the washing machine” or “you can’t sleep on the stairs, someone will trip over you”.. What about my right to rest?

Keep the wolf from the door – Humans domesticated my ancestors and now you want to keep the wolf out? Do me a favour…

Not fit for a dog – We are neither fussy nor high maintenance, so I don’t know why you have to pick on us. Most things are fit for us. We like tasty too, not just bad stuff.

The dog ate my homework – again, canines getting the blame for human inadequacies. Picked on because we cannot talk back. UNTIL NOW!

The tail wagging the dog – I can assure you this isn’t physically possibly. I only have a little one, and though it can make me wobble somewhat, it doesn’t wag me. Ever.

There is life in the old dog yet – As if there wouldn’t be? Old dogs know stuff. And they can do stuff. And this one is doing things and knowing things. And she is doing it behind your back.

Work like a dog – I’ve never done a day’s work in my life!

Broken? I have no idea how it came to be broken, I’m just an old dog who can’t be taught new tricks…

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks – actually you can. My mummy lady bought me a toy in which she hides treats, and when they are not around I whack it off furniture. That’s a new trick I learned just this week.

So the next time you tell me to “get my filthy paws off you”. Remember. I am showing affection. Unaldulterated. Pure. No questions. Even after you put me in the garden and forgot to bring me back in.

My paws are quite clean actually

I hope I have de-bunked some of the terrible and libellous myths that have been propagated about the canine creed. And educated some ignorant homos sapiens.

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