Q and A parts one, deux and drei

Part drei

44. Have you ever urinated in a pool?


I’ve done that most places to be fair


45. Have you ever visited a country outside your continent




46. Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not


No. I have never failed at anything therefore no need. I have never tried anything either, which means no failure. Simple.


47. How are you different from your Dad?


He was called Jack. I am not.

48. How are you different from your Mother?


All I know about her was she was a bitch


49. How are you feeling right now?


Sleepy. Too many questions


50. How difficult is it for you to be honest, even when your words may be hurtful or unpopular?


It’s so difficult being RIGHT all of the time


51. How do you replenish your energy?


Eating. I would have thought that was obvious


52. How does music matter to you?


I like reggae and 90s House. I like some classical, depends on the mood.


53. How far away from your birthplace do you live now?


200 miles.


54. How many days could you last in solitary confinement?


I have spent days in the Utility Room in total, pacing, barking. I couldn’t last a whole day though. I would need to get out to pooh.


55. How many oceans have you swum in?


Swimming is for fish. Fish are fascinating.


fish swim one way, then the other… much better than TV


  1. 56. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?




57. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?


Change all of the passwords. Humans spend too much time on looking at different sized metal boxes with lights.


58. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?


I would make the utility room twenty times bigger with a dog flap to the garden


59. If you could choose only one, would you rather go to Paris or London?


They both have delicious smells. But France has rabies. London has too many cats. Can I go to Bracknell instead? There is a good park there.


60. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?


Colonel Sanders. We would have chicken


61. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be?




62. If you could give your younger self any advice what would it be?


The vet has special gas which knocks you out and when you come back you won’t have babies. Bite the vet, bite the bad man and whenever they say they will be half an hour prepare yourself for a two hour wait.


63. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?


Nepal. I hear Hindus in Nepal have a Dog worshipping festival. It’s a pity it’s taking so long to catch up elsewhere.


64. If you could have any job, what would you want to do / be?


Night security guard. Barking isn’t criticised, can sleep on the job. Cushy.


65. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?


Living room


66. If you could live forever, would you rather stay one age forever or get older?


Get older. Stay one age and you never get birthday treats


67. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be?


Terry Nutkins: legend. Loved animals…


68. If you could save just one, would you rather save Humanity or the Earth?


Earth. Dogs would live on, monkeys would devolve back into humans again, everyone’s happy


69. If you had time to do volunteer work, what would you do?


Sleeping trial experiments

Part deux

23. Do you have a catchphrase?

I’m a dog not a chat show host. That’s not the catchphrase…. That COULD be the catchphrase!

24.Do you have a garden?

I love my garden. It’s full of sniffs. And sometimes dirty pigeons. But I chase dirty pigeons. DIRTY FLYING IMPOSTOR RATS

25. Do you have a hidden dream that you’ve never shared with anyone

To be the first dog president of Europe. I would send all cats to Catalonia and expel it from Europe.

26.Do you have a tattoo?

Branded like a common thief? I don’t think so.

27. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why?

They only let you down. I have subjects who serve me well.

28. Do you have any allergies

Water. I fell in the river once. It was terrifying.

29. Do you have pets?

Two humans. They are house trained, mostly.

30. Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for?

Nothing that stupid, no.

31. Do you love your job?

I don’t work. In history Jack Russells were sent down holes to get mice and rats. And the like. I class myself as an emancipated hound. Plus I don’t ahem… have the figure for confined spaces.

32. Do you prefer kissing or cuddling?

Cuddling. I also like licking faces if that counts as kissing.

33. Do you prefer that people shoot straight with you or temper their words? Why?

I get little choice. Dog do this. Dog do that. Stop eating that. Stop poohing on that garden. It is all direct and critical. I would prefer they were gentler with my feelings, I am a sensitive soul.

34. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

Films? No. I like Attenborough’s monkeys or the dog programmes. The rest is nonsense.

35. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?

Dog save the Queen?

36.Do you remember your dreams?

Only the bitey ones

37. Do you see the glass as half empty or half full?

It’s not a glass it’s a bowl. And it’s never full enough

38. Do you sing in the shower?

Sometimes I wee in the shower.

39. Do you sleep with the lights on or off?

Off. When the lights are on the humans sometimes do unspeakable things to each other.

40. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

Worming once a month. Flea treatment too. On my neck. All wet. Grrr

41. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?

My whole life is a beauty pageant. I have a delicate jaw structure and deep soulful brown eyes

42. Have you ever had Indian food?

It did horrible things to my botty

43. Do you ever get sick of toilet humour?

Discussing bodily functions is a hobby. Even the bad man discusses my regularity. “That was rubbish, I only give it two stars” or counting the wees on each walk to see if we can break the record. I think it is 18.

Part 1

So you want to know more about the voice behind the voice of the dog… OK

1.Are you a dog person or cat person?

Do you really need to ask? I am a cat person. Other dogs are dreadful. But I couldn’t eat a whole cat. Ha ha ha. I don’t like dogs. They smell and they are nosy and they get in your face. I am glad I am not one.

2. Are you a fan of any sports team?

The bad man is a Spurs fan, Tottenham Hotspur in fact. He never shuts up and shouts expletives when they are playing. So if I were to be honest I would probably say I support whichever team Tottenham are playing against, just to p*** him off

3. Are you a good cook?

I am a good eater

4. Are you a hoarder?

I hoard treats, toys and the tears of my pet humans

5. Are you a morning person or a night owl?

I sleep at any time. But I especially enjoy awaking the bad man to go for a wander in the garden around 4am. You should see his dopey face

6. Are you close to anyone now that you initially disliked?

No. I instantly form dis-attachments and they are always 100% correct.

7. Are you high maintenance?

I am a delight.

8. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?

Build an empire. Led by Her Majesty, ____ the Indomitable. There is no potential in others, they just let you down. Or lock you in the utility room when you least expect it.

9. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?

I will engage anyone. This dog is not afraid. Big or small. You are nothing to me.

10. Are you named after anyone?

Other people called _______. As far as I am aware it is not an original name.

11.Are you scared of heights?

The top of the sofa can be quite scary sometimes.

12.At what age did you go on your first date?

Who wrote these questions?

13. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows?

How should I know? Again, who wrote this dirge?

14.Can you dance?

Doggy don’t dance

15. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

I can touch ANYONE’s nose with my tongue

16. Can you whistle?

Through my nose, when I sleep. I am told.

17. Describe yourself in a single sentence?

I am doggy.

18. Did you dream last night?

I ran after rabbits

19. Do you believe ignorance is bliss? Why or why not?

The bad man is ignorant and he doesn’t look happy, so no.

20. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I love chicken the first time I see it

21. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

It depends if those donkeys remember to fill my bowl. I mean, how DEMEANING

22. Do you have a best friend, if so, then who?

The Mummy lady. She has always been there. I was with the mummy lady even before the bad man came along. So if she ever has to choose, I know who will get ticketed out…